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June 30, 2009

So, it's been almost a week ago since I last updated. Pretty unlike me since my blog is where I pour everything out. Oooh, I have been desensitized (not!).

Oh well, I've been pretty busy trying to catch up on some work and, most importantly, spend time with my family after almost 6 weeks of absence at home out of the 7 weeks I have been home.

Currently. I'm back in Penang. Have yet to unpack though. But I'll write more later about my road trip with Nadia back here. About bushes and diversion.

I'll write more also about my new room and my new hobby.

I'll write more once I'm settled down.

Lauri: Of The Many Things I Miss About You

June 24, 2009

Some memories are around to make us laugh and cry at the same time. Memories that make the heart flutter at the thought of it and then make the heart contract at the same time. Memories that make us feel warm and fuzzy inside and cold like ice simultaneously. And these memories are simply made of the many things we miss about someone.

To Lauri, these are the many things I miss about you.

I miss the way you giggle at the most random thing.

I miss the way you surprise me at times.

I miss the way you hold my hand.

I miss the way you would be just merely 25 cm apart from me.

I miss the way your name always appear in my organizer.

I miss the way you fuss over food.

I miss the way you get so transfixed on the 'House of the Dead' game.

I miss the way you would wrestle me till I was sure that I'll die laughing.

I miss the way you tried to stick a finger in my ear to tickle me.

I miss the way you would try to hold me when I fall.

I miss the way you snuggle up in my arms for me to kiss you on the forehead like a little boy.

I miss the way you would tell me:'come here, baby' when I cry then later laugh at me.

I miss the way you laugh at my green pajamas:'Leprechaun!'

I miss the way you imitate me being high on coffee.

I miss the way you search for my hand to hold in the middle of the night.

I miss the way you pick out mushrooms and fish from your food.

I miss the way you threaten me with a lizard.

I miss the way you put your arms around me and hold me close to you as we fall asleep.

I miss the way your lips feel against mine.

I miss the way you say: 'Goodnight'.

I miss the way your skin feels against mine.

I miss the way you keep me warm.

I miss the way you would be there to welcome me when I walk through the bedroom door.

I miss the way you lose yourself in Rune Scape.

I miss the way you would look deep into my eyes and smile.

I miss the way your hand would rest on the nape of my neck.

I miss the way you sing.

I miss the way you try to convince me that you should have the right side of the bed.

I miss the way you try to carry my family name, making you Lauri Chan instead.

I miss the way your eyes brighten up at sight of chocolates and ice cream.

I miss the way you kiss my forehead.

I miss the way you laugh.

I miss the way you would be so protective of me but never noticed it.

I miss the way you put on your glasses and never realized how good you look in them.

I miss the way you would still be by my side when I wake up in the morning.

I miss the way you tried to write me a 'credit card' to buy my ticket to Finland.

I miss the way you can be so random and romantic.

I miss the way you say:'Why so serious?' knowing that will put a smile on my face.

I miss the way you come up to me from behind to give me a tight, tight hug and kiss me on the neck when I am working.

I miss the way you speak Finnish to me even though I don't understand a word.

I miss the way you say:'Yes, baby?' when I call you, Honey.

I miss the way you whisper those thee words in my ears.

The list goes on and on.

Of the many things I miss about you. Of the many things that made my heart flutter and contract at the same time. Of the many things that made up the sweet memories.

Cameron Highlands Day 2

June 21, 2009

So, about attending to some matters and taking a breather in Camerons after a hectic week. I pretty much thought nothing there would remind me of work. That I shall wake up, take a deep breath, start and end the day by leading a laid back life.

Wrong!

Just as I thought so. A pretty something came along as I was seated in a beautiful, classic and old fashioned cafe known as The T Cafe (soon to be named as The Lord's Cafe), imagining myself being in the era when it first started off where everyone in there wore very colourful clothes with huges sunglasses and having over the top hairstyle, laughing and sipping tea over scones. Superbly polite. Dance moves involved having the peace sign over your eyes, imaginary diving and what's not. Groovy.

Yes, about this pretty something that came along. THIS!

A testimonial written by a bunch of AIESECers from Singapore last year. What's more? It has huge letters spelling A-I-E-S-E-C glaring fiercely back at me from the walls that made my hair stand. In an instant, words came floating in my mind.

Exchange. Exchange. Finance. Admin. Expansion. Communication. External Relations. Talent Management. Information Management. Exchange. Global. Leadership. Opportunities. MYLDS. National. Convention. Selection. Review. Board. TN. EP. Exchange. People. Alumni.

Words came floating just like bubbles.

I felt...weird. Not disappointed. But, very excited. I was so excited I wanted to scream: AIESEC is hot to go! H-O-T-T-O-G-O!

So, here's the thing. Even though I was so excited about the whole testimonial, I was instantly distacted by the fruity strawberry scone I ordered. I looooooooooooooooooove scones. I love them so much I want to marry them. I would dress them up in the most lavish strawberry-looking tuxedo and get them to marry me. Scones!

But seriously, I totally would give credit to the cafe. It is so my kind of place. Awesome ambience and food. I love the way I was welcomed by a swift scent of homemade chicken pie when I walked in, the way the place feels so cosy with its tastefully furnished space, the way the wooden floor creaked beneath our feet as we walk, the way we could just sit by the window to enjoy the cool air and dream a dream, the way...it just feels like my place.

Simply, awesome.

And this was how I started and ended my day.

Laid back innit?

The Struggle of A Breath

June 20, 2009

Stop. I beg of you. Stop!

The piercing of the knife through the heart was unbearable. The sharp pain blend in almost perfectly with the chill that was seeping through the open windows. It felt as though someone shoved a bunch of needles down the hollows of my vetebrae. Air was cut short from my nasal as breathing became too painful. I could feel my chest rise and fall heavily as I greedily tried to gasp for air.

Don't focus on it. Don't focus on the pain. Don't let the memories flow.

The agony deepen as I felt that pair of invisible hand drove the knife deeper into my heart and twisted it clockwise, then, anti-clockwise in the fastest seconds I could recall. Was it a knife? Or was it a key to unlock all the unpleasant feelings I have locked up over the weeks. A lump formed at the back of my throat as tears welled up in the rim of my eyes, spilling over the white pillow covers as the chill engulfed me and devoured me like fire.

Outside the white window panes is the most beautiful purple morning glory I have ever seen. The birds sang a merry song that rung through the still air. A lovely sight. On the other side of the window pane where I lay curled up, a sense of emptiness washed over like the currents of the river. The last time it had been this cold, I had woken up in Lauri's arms. This morning, I woke up without him to pull me closer to keep ourselves warm and to gently kiss my forehead before falling back into sleep again.

I would pretend that everything is alright even when deep down inside me I am wishing that he is beside me. I dragged myself out of bed, feeling my heart contract with every breath I take. As I struggle for that single breath, I would convince myself that I will not shed a tear. When tears well up, I would furiously rub them away before they spill.

The day passed by just fine until I saw Lauri online and I yearned even more to hold him close to me. I miss the smell of his skin, the soft and steady lup-dup of his heartbeat, the way he would giggle when I tickle him, the way he would stare into my eyes even though he knew that it makes me feel awkward, I simply just miss him a whole lot and I am still learning to cope despite having more things to fill those extra times that Lauri had left me with.

Don't focus on it. Don't focus on the pain. Don't...

As I sat on the bench outside the shrine, tears welled up because the pain became too unbearable. At that point, I was, and still am, dying to talk to him. A tear rolled down my cheek and I casually brushed it off with the back of my hand. I took a deep breath as I tighten the shawl around my shoulders. Breathing became a struggle again because of the pain and effort to hold back the tears.

The images of us laughing together like kids, of us fighting over Oreo cookies, of him coming up to me on the couch the night before he left, of the pain in his eyes when we said our goodbyes and of the way he had hugged me before walking through the departure gates came flooding back again. I could feel the warmth of his arms extending around me but only in my head with my eyes closed. When I open my eyes, it is gone. I was on the verge of taking out my phone and making that call to his mobile to tell him how much I miss him but I could not because he gets charged for it too. And it is not a small sum.

I could feel my head swimming in a thousand emotions. I do not have any control over it at all. All I could think of is how to go through the rest of the day. People may call me silly for putting myself in this situation when I had the choice not to, but I never regretted it.

Honey...how about a packet of Oreo and a tight, tight hug for today?

Minä rakastan sinua.

Cameron Highlands Day 1

June 19, 2009

At 12 pm yesterday, I had excitedly unloaded all my luggages from my car. Suit, saree and dress in one hand, luggage handle firmly gripped in the other, backpack over my shoulders, I scurried through the gates onto the familiar grounds of home with my dog going in circles and sniffing aroud my ankle. Finally, home, after a long absence.

At 11:30 am today, with a hand luggage in one hand and a backpack over my shoulders, I walked out the gates and loaded the bags into the back of Aunt Annie's car. So there I was, being less than 24 hours at home and off I go on another trip again. Spells another 3 days of absence from home. As much as I want to stay home to recuperate and to spend some quality time with my family, I have some matters to attend to in Cameron Highlands.

We went to pick up Uncle Gilbert and Ee Lin from their work place before taking off and making a pitstop at Bidor for the ever infamous duck thigh noodles. Springy and laden with herbs. Simply awesome. Then, it was another hour plus of journey to Cameron.

A faint nausea washed over me as we were heading up to the top of the mountain. I am pretty prone to car sick. Yet, I fought it with my mind because I was enthusiastically telling Aunt Annie about AIESEC until we stopped for tea. The weather was not that cold yet with the absence of the wind yet indulging in hot tea seem so satisfying. Not to mention the breathtaking view of tea leaves. Green!

We continued our journey up the mountain, passing by those narrow, winding roads. I can't help noticing how winding the road is and how many signs were there. The journey up best describes life, winding and narrow at times but there is always someone to guide you. I started naming all the signs I passed by. Rubi, Ching, Ran, Jojo etc. People who have made an impact in my life when I am lost. They are my road signs as I take the path.

It wasn't long before we reached the place we are staying at, Heritage Hotel. Checked in and just me being me, I took out my camera and started snapping pictures. We even saw a mirror with eye lashes! Tee hee! Someone left their fake lashes there.

The next thing that I would normally do and did was to stand at the balcony to take in the view that is spread wide in front of my very eyes. Taking in each and every detail of it. Oh wow, are the two words to describe it. In the next unit were two kids playing with bubbles. So I spent the next 15 minutes trying to get a shot of bubbles floating in the air. But failed to do so.

If you know about the story of how I had stalked a crab in Langkawi for 30 minutes muttering: Hey, crabby, crabby, over and over again until it decided to come out of its hole to pose for my shot, then it is great. Simply because deja vu has happened again.

Since I have been trying for 15 minutes trying to get shots of the bubbles and failed. I spent the next 45 minutes standing at the balcony to stalk the bubbles! Well, hard work paid off. I manage to get a shot. Not the best but I am satisfied with it. No complaints.

The following step. Took out my book. I MUST have my book with me wherever I go. So I decided to do some reading before heading out for dinner. By this time, the weather has already gotten colder and I was beginning to shiver under my skin. Well, maybe part of it was due to hunger since it didn't feel so bad after dinner at Brinchang.

Later in the night, Uncle Gilbert decided that we'll go out for a drink. Suan and I had been jumping around because it was so cold. Despite being night, I wish there was sun! This is when I miss Lauri most because I yearn for him to hold me close and to wrap his arms around me tightly.

Anyhow, that pretty much sums up the day. My mind is still not working very well so I can't really write either. I'm heading to bed.

Recuperate, mind. Recuperate!

Home

June 18, 2009

Feels good to be home!

Don't remember how good it feels to just sit around watching TV with my family. My world.

Post National Convention

June 17, 2009

The air was still just like every other mornings. Rays of lights were seeping in through those fabrics on the wall. My phone lay still beside me. No alarm this morning. Or did I switch it off? I took it in my hand to check out the time only to find a huge 07:34 am glaring back at me. The first thing that popped into my mind was,

"Oh shit! I'm late!"

I was still stuck in the National Convention time warp that I did not remember it ending yesterday. Well, at least I did not until I saw Khai Lun begin to stir beside me. I went back to sleep with the faint voices of Alif, Fadli and Boey outside the door, knowing that when Lun opens her eyes as I close mine, she would scream the same thing I just did in her head.

Surprisingly, despite being so tired from the lack of sleep, I'm missing NatCon alot. The whole atmosphere and the people.

My mind is dead again. I'll write more when I can think again. Remind me later! Pictures are in my facebook. Too many of them.

Mum wouldn't allow me to go back because it's too late already. And I'm missing home alot. Hadn't been spending much time with my family at all :( Despite my parents screaming at me over the phone. I miss them a whole lot. I can't wait to go home tomorrow.

Home!

Will Be Away

June 12, 2009

National Convention is going on at UKM!

Will be away till next Tuesday.

And.

This is still so unbelievable. A year ago, I was sitting right behind in the hall as a delegate. A year later, I am standing in front as one of the facilitators with a bunch of awesome teammates. Simply. Just. Unbelievable.

I'll tell my story when I get back.

Till then...

Honey,

Minä rakastan sinua :D

End: A Positive Chant

June 9, 2009

An hour ago, I was fuming like a dragon and feeling over-the-top frustrated because I had to excuse myself from the catching up part with some of my teammates just to come home earlier than I intended to. Worse still, Rubi had to come with me because my place is dark and dangerous where people have been mugged right in front of their very house.

I really don't have a life at all when I am at home because I live with my parents. And. A curfew. I guess the only time I can go out and enjoy is when I decided that I'll stay over at someone's for the night. But I miss my bed and my own room that I want to go back to at the end of the day and shut the rest of the world out.

An hour later, I remember the reason for me feeling so crappy the whole day.

I am missing this dude a lot.

It's been a month since Lauri left and I am still left with an emptiness that could not be filled. At times, the pain of watching him walk away from me to the departure gates comes flooding back for no particular reasons and I would feel my eyes sting but I would not allow myself to cry.

Today is one of those days.

I woke up murmuring: 'Honey...it's cold', half forgetting that he's not beside me and half expecting that I could feel a pair of warm arms extended over to pull me close in order to keep me warm, only to be greeted with silence and the pillow I hug to sleep every night.

Tears were about to well up again but I told myself not to cry anymore because it's just a matter of time till I see Lauri again. My heart contracted but I told myself to take a deep breathe because it's just a matter of time...

Yet, I am missing him so much that it just feels crappy.

Sometimes, it feels as though Distance had drove a knife through my heart and stood aside to watch me bleed in agony. Time had been by me all this while, whispering into my ears to relax because the bleeding will eventually stop, there is no rush to make things better. I can just lay there, hands on my wound as blood seep through it, until I'm ready to get up again. No rush. All I have to do is keep breathing and it will take care of everything. Exactly what I am doing.

But I feel horrible most of the time. Especially during times when I yearn to feel him close to me but all I have is the monitor screen. Times, when we both feel so empty without each other but there is no instant fixes for it. Times, when he needs someone to be there for him and I am not that someone who can do so. Times, when he needs a hand to hold and all I can give are words. Times, when he needs a hug and all I can give is this, (}), the symbol of a virtual hug on MSN. Just times like this, when he needs someone to walk some paths with him but Distance has held us firmly apart. Times, when I want to be the one to be beside him but I am not the one to do so.

Me, no like.

I will need some positive thoughts to counter this. Just as how positive thoughts have helped me find my car. So there...

I shall wake up tomorrow to an elated feeling. I shall wake up tomorrow to an elated feeling. I shall wake up tomorrow to an elated feeling.

VCA - Starbucks

June 5, 2009

At this point, I am suppose to be finishing up some Value Chain Analysis (sounds scary innit? But it simply means listing down all the activities for my department) for tomorrow's meeting yet I am blogging. My caffeine level is running low since my last intake of coffee at lunch.

The aroma of brewing coffee in the coffee maker is tempting me to get myself a seductive tall coffee-based caramel frappucino. It feels as though experiencing a sexual tension between me and the coffee. Tempting yet sinful. Sinful pleasure. Crazy evil laughter in head.

(Random thought: How would you like your coffee to be?)

Anyhow, I drove to Starbucks with Evelyn after dropping Ranveer off at the LRT station because I work better at Starbucks. It gets me into the mood faster than being in the AIESEC Malaysia office. I guess my ideal workplace would be lots of wooden furniture and a few comfortable armchairs, soft lighting, aroma of brewing coffee dancing through the air, good jazz music playing in the background and some peace.

Well, I tried to refrain from placing order for that seductive tall coffee-based caramel frappucino so I placed order for a Tazo giant peach infused green tea instead before I change my mind. Grabbed a chocolate chip cashewnut cookie to complement it and made payments as I scurried away from the counter before shouting out: No! I think give me a tall coffee-based caramel frap instead. And smile sheepishly at the girl behind the counter. Nevermind.

(Random thought 2: I'm meeting Wilson tonight after 2 years!)

As I stared out of the glass window, there was still a queue trying to get into the parking lot. The exact situation I had to go through before entering the mall. Not funny at all. Especially not after getting into the parking lot and I still have to go in rounds on every level to search for an empty parking lot. Exact situation while heading for lunch. Searching for an available parking lot and chanting aloud positively: I can find a parking lot, I can find an empty parking lot, repeatedly seemed to be my main activity of the day.

Anyhow, Eve and I are comfortably plopped at Starbucks trying to finish up some work while munching on our cookies.

(Random thought 3: My monitor screen is like a mirror.)

I need to go. Absolutely have to finish up work before Kevin who finally turned 22 today arrives. Till then...COFFEE!